COVID-19 (revised)
Schools
closed everywhere
Houses fenced
in
Events shut
down
Stores
running out
Out
of
breath
Breath
soaking soap
People masking
up
Doctors scrubbing
down
Patients
impatiently waiting
Waiting
with
prayers
Prayers
tightly locking
tightly locking
Time breaking
loose
Budgets cramping
under
Families
over staying
The bats
have
been freed
The butterflies
are
now lost
I love that you used a relevant topic as inspiration. I like the way this flows. However, have you tried writing it like:
ReplyDeleteSchools
closed everywhere
Houses
fenced off
Events
shut down
(and then continuing like that)
The reason I suggest this is because I think it could aid in the flow when the reader reads it. Because the way it is reads like "Schools. Close. Everywhere." So if you changed it to the way I suggested, it would read "Schools, close everywhere" and that could really improve the already great poem! It could also just be a stylistic/personal preference! But overall I enjoyed reading your poem (but not enjoying this craziness)
That was an interesting idea, to make each line consist of only one word. The effect was certainly breathless- which was morbidly accurate, considering the symptoms of this illness! Also, I liked how one of your stanzas ended with "out", and the next one began with "out". Reading it aloud, it sounds a bit like when a person is running or out of breath, and often repeats words when trying to speak. It's a very urgent and to-the-point sort of poem. That said, it isn't very poetic to have lines of only one word because that deprives them of rhythm. If that was your intention, I don't know if/how you could change it. Also, the phrase "Death is birthed", is maybe a bit too extreme of an oxymoron, especially as it's followed with "life is lost", which essentially says the same thing. Maybe that part can be altered a bit. But otherwise, this poem accomplishes very effectively what it wants to do. The panic, uncertainty, and breathlessness comes through very clearly.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Malka. I love the sense of panic and rushed feeling you've managed to establish throughout the poem. The only thing I'd change is maybe varying the length of the lines. That would create a less organized, chaotic, and choppy feel to the flow of the piece. The audience won't be able to predict the way the following line should be read. Also, I loved the subtle contradictions laced throughout the poem. They effectively relay the confusion of the times. Great technique:) Ex:
DeletePeople
masking
up
Doctors
scrubbing
down
Patients
impatiently
waiting
I agree with the comments above: Keep the short lines, but consider slightly longer ones as per Malka and Sophia's suggestions.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are that this poem wants to be considerably longer. Can you add more details to further build it up.
Second, the ending feels too neat, too cut and dry. I would not end on a strict dichotomy like life and death. The reason why is it becomes predictable. It's easy to anticipate the opposition and the declarations. Maybe if something more surprising was being dying and being born--something more specific to this occasion--it would be better.
After all, as scary as this virus is, I don't think it's the threat of death to one's self that makes this all so horrible. It's not always the ending of life that we fear but the ending of life as we know it: being close to others, going out, carefree interactions, hugs, talking with strangers in a story or on the street, going out, live art and music--so many of the things that make life sweet have been taken away from us. Maybe another axis besides life and death would better define the effects of the virus as we know them so far.
I'm delighted to see you tackling the contemporary subject, and the form is working in general. Good job on those things.
Hi Efrat! Reading your poem literally made me breathless, the combination of the single-word verses and topic choice was effective in conveying that out-of-breath feeling.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder is the poem would have a similar effect if you chose a few pointed lined to keep as single-lined. that may emphasize the breathlessness even more in a way because it may come over as more intentional?
I particularly loved these lines and how the "out" floweed into each other: "Stores
running
out
Out
of
breath"